Pansy's gone. Vinnie took her. I don't know why, and I'm worried that it's all an evil plot to get back at Draco. He' already gone to scare Ginny Weasley. Now Pansy? If he succeeds... I just wish I'd had the chance to talk to her. To tell her. What if she

No. I won't think that way. Greg promised me she'd be okay, that they would find her and he never lies - not to me. The boys were right. Vinnie doesn't love us. He wants to hurt us. How can he... why would he want that? Greg has sat down with me and explained the looks Vinnie used to give me in school. What I always viewed with confusion and doubt... well... he was angry with me. He didn't like me. Why did it matter so much that Greg and I were close? I never wanted to intentionally exclude him. He just wasn't Greg. Now he's worried that Vinnie's next step will be to get back at him. My first thought jumped to River... but I'm starting to see it really wouldn't be River who would be the one... the one that Vinnie would use to cause Greg the most pain.

I suppose I should have known it a long time ago. It's not like feelings have changed. They are the same as they were. Only now I have words to describe those feelings. Now we have words to describe them. I've called him my other half since I was small only now I realize exactly what that means. He's part of me. Even when he was away. I think that's why it hurt so much when he was gone - when we were fighting - when I was defending him from...

I sent him a howler. Over Theodore. How on earth he still loves me is beyond me. I was horrible. I don't know how long- I can't even describe what I'm feeling. I just know I feel safe and happy when his arms are around me. He's always made me feel safe. Was it only last weekend when he and I fell asleep saying that we loved one another? It was. We did. We do. Though it's somehow not the same but it is.

I feel complete for the very first time and all I've done is snog him... a lot. Before I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That suddenly Theo would realize it wasn't me who he should be with. That he'd wake up one morning and tell me it was all a clever prank. I know Greg loves me. I know why he loves me and even when he is clueless and broken I love him. I have nothing to hide from him. The one thing I hide is because it's for his own good. And he can't ever know. Ever. I'll have to mention that to S next time I talk to her.... I haven't talked to her since last weekend. She forgot my owl! I bet she spent all weekend with Vaisey. I never thought about it because we've been so worried about Pansy, but I'll have to owl her sooner rather than later anyway. Greg and I will likely have to go to America. Simone will need to know in case I'm gone for day or two. No more of this popping off without telling anyone. Though, I suppose Mum is still here. I saw her wandering around the house with a strange grin on her face. I think she knows Greg wasn't here just sleeping in my bed as my best friend last night. Not that we did anything other than... well, there were a few things different from how we slept before, but mainly it was just the kissing and the breathing the same air and the... well, it's not like she was able to see where his hand was when I woke up.

He went and saw River today. I felt horrible about it. I don't know how I'll face her. But I'll have to. I can't push him to be with her any more. I can't deny this anymore. Not when it's his hands I want on my skin and his breath I want to share. While he was gone I got thinking about the way we have danced around this for so long. How was it possible that I didn't know until he leaned in to kiss me? He has always been the person I ran to. I have always been the one he most wanted to protect. He matters the most to me.

He came home sooner than I thought he would and was broken. He was so upset. I thought it was because he regretted what we'd almost done and my heart nearly imploded. But it was worse. Raven's grandfather is dying and he finally owled us about it. He was so close to Greg when he was in America. He says that it was because of him that he didn't kill himself leave us- while he was out there and alone. I don't know if there is anything that can be done for Afjc but if there is, then Greg will find it. We will find it.

We will get through this. Pansy will come home, the boys will find Vinnie and make him pay for hurting our family, and Val. We're going to finally be together the way we ought to have been all along.

I was broken. I saw Weasley. There isn't a baby. I'm somewhere between being happy about that and being sad. I'm not broken anymore though. I feel like I can be fixed - that I will someday be perfect - it's just a process. I think I need a Head Healer - but if Val needs one wouldn't it just be fitting that his other half does too? You don't become best friends with someone obviously mental without needing a therapist too.

I locked everyone out. I changed the wards. Yes, yes, I remember being livid when Val did the same thing when he broke - but this was different.... all right, it wasn't - but my mother came to find me when I was broken and as strange as it sounds... I was glad for it. I've been wrong about a lot of things. She's trying to help fix me. Instead of just keeping things on the surface we actually talked. I realized that I don't want it to be the way it was before with her. I don't want that kind of life or that kind of relationship with her. She's staying with me for a while. I told her she could go back to Belgium... but she said she wanted to stay. It's strange having her living in the Park with me again... but then it's not.

I'm actually quite relieved to have her here now that we've walked into our own ghost story. Vinnie didn't die. He was here. I was so happy to see him, I hugged him and made him come in to tea. He said he missed us. He was wonderful and charming and sweet, and it wasn't until Draco came by yesterday that I realized he was never wonderful and charming and sweet with me. He was cold and sterile and put up with me because Val would have killed him otherwise.

I just want to believe he's changed. That he's had enough of all the evil and the horror. He even sent me flowers. But both Draco and Greg say it's all a lie. That he's trying to hurt me. I just can't- well... there is really no reason for him to hurt me now is there? Unless it was to hurt Val, and then it would be wiser to hurt River, not me. I don't know. I'll worry about it tomorrow. I think I'm going to agree to go out with him. I promised both boys that I'd not let him into the house again... but I didn't say anything about not seeing him again. And I Draco taught me a brilliant curse yesterday in case I need to rip him to shreds. Not sure if I could use it on Vinnie... but I could try if I had to.

I finally went into public last night. Simone made me. Potter, Mr. Wanker, left her in the lurch. We went to a charity ball for orphaned children or some other such rot and I never felt more awkward than when I saw Jared Vaisey coming toward us. He's a letch and I'm creeped out beyond words that Simone has shagged him not once... but TWICE - ACH! Probably three times now. It was cold of me, but I took his arrival - and the security of one Tristan Bole - to help me escape. I left her with him, but I'm glad I did. My feet were killing me, I wasn't ready to go out as it was (all those people...) and I had Val here at the Park when I got home anyway so it was better to be home anyway.

Apparently, he has a mad affection for Potter's messy hair and doesn't approve that Daphs and I are still doing our knicker challenges. Rest assured... I will triumph there. I also learnt that River has perfected her hexes. Always good to know. Remind me to never get on her bad side.

Now.. just to face the world this week. I think I ought to owl Pansy about lunch on Tuesday, Glenlivet to see if I can go riding this week, and wake up Val now. He'll never believe me, but he's snoring and it's starting to scare the house-elves.

I'm home. Who knew that I would dread coming back here so much - that I would actually want to stay and hide with my mum? It's not like everything in this house reminds me of him. He was here for such a short time.... Anyway, I have been taking refuge in the music room while the elves sort out upstairs. I've ordered new bedding and the furniture is being placed right now. There will be is nothing to cause me pain here. I'm fine. I will move forward. I can't- I won't let grief win. I won't let it show. Besides - if there is a baby coming then I need to be strong... for him, right?

As I got home I saw so many things that need addressing. Things that need sorted before I can go out and face people - face the world as if nothing is different. First of all, as soon as I came home from Belgium I changed the wards to allow only blood relatives in - and even that permission was left only because I lacked the ability to change the nature of the house. I think the Park has some old magic in it. It's a good thing that there aren't any blood relatives that would break down the doors then, yeah?

The letters. There is a pile of owls on the table by the door. The elves all sorted them neatly for me but I've no interest in them. I can tell one is from Val. He's either panicking because he had no idea where I'd gone, or livid because I had a one night stand with his friend and then buggered off without telling him. Most likely concerned that I haven't sought him out to let him fix everything. He can't fix this. There is no way to change what I did. I'm a terrible person. I used someone to try to forget my own misery. I shouldn't have guilt, it's something that everybody does - but I do feel guilt. I feel dirty. I can't shower enough, nothing will make this better - it feels like nothing will make me clean again. And it wasn't even Alexi. He was gentle and sweet and everything he ought to have been. I'm only mortified that I resorted to sharing something so special - something I waited to share with someone that meant something- with someone I hardly know - someone who likely shagged my oldest friend.

Why not make it a complete set? Theo shagged Pansy, in the past and after we'd started dating. It just wouldn't be right the bloke I randomly chose to help me forget hadn't at the very least most likely buggered Val while he was in America. I wonder if I could dig up some of Blaise's old bints. Then, if I could manage a snog with Draco's Weasley I'd have a complete set. I'll have to ask her about that tomorrow.

And then the baby. If there is a baby. I started her life questioning how I felt about her father and shagging a random Russian. With behaviour like that I will easily take over from Mum as 'Outstanding Parent of the Year'. There could be a baby. I don't know if I'm scared or if I'm excited. Probably scared.

I just got in and I'm about to go out again.

Val is lucky that shopping with River was fruitful. If I hadn't found presents for River as well as some presents for me I would be much less likly to forgive him for not owling me back. I really do need to talk to him about running away. Maybe it's just a male thing, but I know that Pans, Daphs and I would never had ran... we would have stayed and pretended. A false mask. That is what we have. We have it perfected.

Anyway, I found not only a smashing purple get up for tonight, but a lovely green dress to wear whenever I need to remind myself that I am a proper Slytherin witch. Both are likely to make Val have a coronary so let's hope that he is otherwise disposed with Riv tonight. I haven't met Raven yet, but if he's anything like Alexi I don't think it will be hard to convince either of them to spend most of the night with me.

I received an owl from Mum today. She was short and to the point but she actually said she was sorry to hear about... about Theodore. I admit, I was shocked to hear it. She must have been fishing for more information, but a funny feeling in the vicinity of my heart that perhaps she actually cared about my feelings. That was squashed when she finished by saying she wanted her stipend raised for the new year. So much for that hope.

My mood is not helped by the fact that I'm not feeling well. The last two days I've felt nauseous all day and have repeatedly come close to falling when I've gotten up from sitting. I'm sure it's just the stress of the holiday... and everything that the holiday entailed this year. Besides, I'm fully expecting the monthly migraine from hell to descend soon. In fact.. it's late. Should have been here a few days ago. Strange.

No more thinking thoughts like this. I am going to soak in a bubble bath and then make it over to Val's. Hopefully I will be early enough to talk to him about River. That boy needs to get his head out of his arse and see what is right in front of him. There are far too many signs for him NOT to have noticed.

Today was... was horrible.

Far more horrible than I could ever imagine a Boxing Day to be. When I was a child I remember having to collect up the toys I no longer played with and taking them to the Christmas Box for children who didn't get lovely things for Christmas. It should have been horrible, but I never remember minding... Greg and I would usually pick out our favourite thing and give that to the less fortunate children. I knew it was all for show - that mum just wanted us to look like we were charitable, and even as a young child I remember wanting to thwart her for the pretence but Greg's Da wasn't so understanding. But that didn't matter - nearly every year Greg and I picked out our most loved toys and gave them to the children.

Now all I will have to remember about Boxing Day will be his cold face laying on a cold impersonal slab of metal. Instead of laughing with him as I go through things I ought to give away or packing up decorations until next year, or even making love under the Christmas tree, I had to... well, I had to see him... to say good bye to him.

I finally met Theo's mother. She Flood last night, frantically crying saying that the Muggle authorities were making her come identify his... his body. They said that because of the nature of it, a murder and all, a family member needed to come and claim him, identify him because he had no legal identification on him... The Li's word wasn't enough. The police asked her to come down to an office at their hospital and she couldn't do it alone. She kept crying and saying she was sorry but that she just couldn't do it alone. I knew exactly how she felt, so I asked her to stay at the Park over night and promised I would go with her this morning.

I didn't cry. It was almost like I had to be the strong one. She was so broken. I just pushed the pain I felt aside and made sure she was comfortable and cared for. Just as Greg did for me all day yesterday. I'm not fine. I'm not better. But I need to be - I have to be - for her and for myself. I don't need to have people worry for me. I will move forward just as I have always done. It will be as it was before. I lived my life before without him and I only had him for a few months. If I can just move forward and forget, then things will be as they once were. I won't have to remember what I'd said. What we'd wasted.

He was cold. He was white. He was wrong. It was him, but it wasn't. I wanted to touch his face. That face I'd sneek glances at through school but I couldn't. I should remember his face when he told me he loved me, but now all I'll see will be his cold face just lying there. I can't...

Anyway, I'm glad Simone came with me. I owled her when she sent me my Christmas gifts last night. She came right over and this morning was able to help hold up Mrs. Nott while Val stood there beside me, stoic and strong with his hand on my back trying to keep me up. It was wonderful that he came with me. I didn't want to bother him... but he heard me tell S that I needed help and got that puppy dog look on his face. I just didn't want to show him over and over again that I am weak. He already does so much for me, why make him clean up another of my messes. I'm going to be fine. I'll be strong. Fine.

I suppose Christmas was a bit of a bust then. If you can call having someone you are supposed to love murdered by filthy Muggles a bust. Draco sent me a brilliant necklace... a snake. I chuckled because I've never felt like I really ought to have been one - having the Prince of Slytherin give you a snake, that just means something, you know? I was surprised to hear from Blaise's little Hannah. I hadn't thought of her when I was shopping. Quite honestly, I expected Blaise to return the wine, so it must be a good thing when his pet owled me with lovely cookies and cakes. She's a brilliant baker, that's for sure.

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Simone came and tried to relieve Greg... to let him go home and get some rest and he looked at her like she was mad before telling her that he would be here as long as I needed him. I tried to explain that I'll be fine and he shushed me. Can you believe it? He actually shushed me. He's brought his new puppy. I've never been one for pets, but he seems oddly comforting.

I suppose things will look differently in the morning. Today things just seem vacant and lost, full of things I can neither understand nor want to remember.

Just received my annual owl from my mum saying how happy she was that I'd made it to France. She didn't mention the fact that she's yet to meet Theo - something she didn't let up on all night on Friday, so it's a step forward, I suppose. She also attached a picture of us that was taken at le Domaine de Lintillac.

How she managed to convince me to wear that ghastly dress is beyond me. Clearly, it's a good thing I was not a Hufflepuff- yellow does nothing for my complexion. I'm actually relieved that I couldn't manage to convince her to go to the ballet. I looked dreadful. Not that it would have mattered, it's not like I'm trying to impress anyone, but honestly... YELLOW?





I ought to find a frame for it. Heaven forbid she come to visit and it not be sitting alongside all the pictures of the people who I actually care about. As much as she drives me crazy, isn't this the time to draw closer to 'family'? And I'm fairly sure she loves me... somewhere deep down inside her.

Speaking of the people I love, I'm counting down until tomorrow night. Pansy's party. While I was planning it I was dreading it... dreading seeing Blaise especially, but dreading it all. But now -- now I just miss my friends. I feel like I've been anti-social and I must make the New Year's resolution to be less broody and more attentive to them. You'd think that being a party planner would mean I would be less likely to brood. Hmmm.

Theo keeps saying he isn't coming with me. Last night he even proceeded to tell me that we were invited to go to a party in Muggle London with Chi and her family. I think he's taking the piss just to see me get more and more annoyed. How annoying! I should probably find him some dress robes to match my new dress. One only gets to match so often and I think a Christmas Party with our family is the perfect time.

Yes. Tomorrow night we are going to look happy. We're going to be happy. I won't even make him dance with me. Things will be better.

As the holiday grows nearer, I find myself more and more annoyed. It's not as though I don't 'like' Christmas, but all it means is that I have to voluntarily spend time with my mother and wrack my brain trying to find the perfect gifts for my friends - some of whom aren't even speaking to me.

Theo isn't helping either. He says I shouldn't care that Blaise hasn't owled me in a month. He doesn't understand and I can't very well tell him why my best friend is avoiding me. Actually - I have no idea why my best friend is avoiding me. If it is over the Mudblood comment he ought to bloody well come here and tell me he's pissed. Draco did... though admittedly after I all but accused him of making me this way himself. As aggravating as that conversation was, I at least felt there was some closure. Right now it just feels like Blaise really has chosen his Mudblood over me. I liked her, I really did. I was ready to forgive her unfortunate heritage, I wanted to try because I care about the bloody git, but the longer he chooses her over me the more I realise that I was wrong to even try. The way things are with him right now, I wouldn't be surprised if he returned his Christmas gifts unopened. Which would be a shame, since I received an owl today encouraging me to pop over to France to pick up the charm I asked Raven to send me for Greg so it gives me a perfect excuse to buy Blaise his favourite wine by the crate.

In fact, it's not just the holiday I'm being grumpy about. I'm feeling more and more ambivalent towards a lot of things. Many of which I've just kept inside, not bothering to explain to anyone. I wonder if other people have noticed.

There have been little things, not big ones, but little nit-pics. Even between Theo and I. Normally he's attentive and sweet, but then things randomly come out of his mouth - criticisms, and I want to hit him over the head and ask him how the hell he got out of school alive. He never criticises me, never me, but his feelings toward the people I love are pretty clear, even when he tries not to say anything.

When did he grow to hate them all so much? I know Val takes a bit of getting used to, he smothers me so I can't imagine how others react to him when they don't love him, and yes, Theo and Pansy have a past... but you should have seen him bristle when I mentioned Pansy's party next week. I'm planning the bloody thing. Of course I'm going. The question is, am I being unreasonable to expect him to come too? He's my boyfriend, isn't he? Is it an odd request to want to take your boyfriend to a fucking Christmas party that you planned?

And if this is supposed to be what I've always wanted, why am I so unhappy lately? I haven't wanted to leave the fucking house. It can't be healthy that even when Theo's not home I want to hide. I miss my friends but things are moving around me and I can't seem to catch up. I haven't even seen Pansy in weeks. PANSY! This feels like a circle. I wonder if I should see a head healer. Maybe I just need to embrace some changes. Hmmmm.

Yes, going to France will be a very good thing. I have last minute shopping and then Mum and I are going out for dinner. I can deal with dinner. I can deal with one night with my mother. Then I can deal with coming home and facing another day of this.

Had to call off lunch with Pansy today. I've been curled up in bed all day with Wollstonecraft. I feel like fucking shite. I suppose it's a good thing that I do... (Note to self: Get in to see Professor Snape before we slip up and next month I DON'T feel like rubbish!)

I'm trying to stay away from people anyway. After the ball... I just can't believe that such a beautiful night was ruined by the death of such a wanker. Could whoever was inspired to murder the bastard not have waited until after my event?

Theo is a lot more upset than I am. He never liked the man, but he feels that this is a disastrous shake-up for the government. When I muttered that I thought perhaps the administration needed a bit of a shake up he looked at me like he'd never seen me before.

What is it with all the men in my life and their preconceived notions about who and what I am? What with Theo, Draco and Val - and no doubt Blaise (who I'm assuming is currently brooding and not speaking to me over an off-handed comment I made weeks ago) it's a wonder that I don't have multiple personalities or something. I never thought I was hiding who I was from them... I thought they KNEW me - but now it seems I have to hide at least part of me.

I can't see any of them being overly supportive of the Liberi. Draco might have understood once... but not now that he's carved his arm to pieces. At least I have Simone... and now Cormac? That was an interesting (yet terrifying) thing to find out. I asked him not to tell Pansy about me... but I can hear him now, "Pansy, darling - you know that silly little friend you have - the one who can't possibly take care of herself? I think she's jumped in with a new crowd that might be a little to hard-core for her. You should gather all her respective keepers and force her to behave." - Hopefully I've shown him that I'm not just a silly little bint - but who knows? All I know is that there is another person in the world other than S who can hurt me with the people I love if they say anything. I trust Simone... but I don't know Cormac enough to trust that he wouldn't do it if it were something that would benefit him. I'll have to see about that... maybe another lunch would be in order...

I'm so glad today didn't go as planned.

I originally was going to beg off going to lunch with Pansy. Lunch last week went really well, but I have been really trying to make this 'thing' between Theo and I work and reminding myself how short I fall when comparing myself to Pansy is the last thing I want to do.

It was so much different than what I was worried about. So much better.

Pansy is mad for Cormac McLaggen. She won't admit it, but it's true. I can tell. It seems I need to owl him and request that flying lesson after all or at the very least, drinks. Not that I'm a matchmaker. Pansy already gave me a grilling over my attempts at pushing River toward Val. It's not like that Gryff Katie deserves him. (Note to self: Find time while at the ministry seeing Simone this week to pop over and see Cormac.)

Pansy saw my portrait at the stables. It inspired her to commission one of her own. I conveniently didn't mention the portrait up in the attic. I think it's about time I have Artanis bring it out. I don't know where I'd hang it... but it was meant to be Theo's. I suppose at the very least I can let him get rid of it, if he'd like to. He'll probably want to hang it in the bedroom. How will that help my resolve to take things slow? It's already hard enough to wake up with his hand on my breast and his erection against my hip. If he had any clue that every morning I was regretting my decision to take it slow I'm sure my resolve wouldn't last long. Sometimes I wish he wasn't so respectful of my stupid boundaries... *sigh*

We were supposed to go crash Madam Puddifoot's... to introduce Pansy to Blaise's sweet little blonde, but we got side tracked. Pansy brought out the picture books we compiled in school and we lost all track of time. She really did have a pug-nose... but it's absolutely gorgeous now. It felt like going home - looking at all the pictures we took. I know people thought us cold, but if you could see the Slytherin's in our natural habitat we really weren't. She even had some of poor Millie and Vincent. It was quite jarring to see us all smiling. Well, Draco smirking, Blaise leering and... well, yes, you get the picture.

It was good to see my family again and remember why we love our family. They annoy the hell out of us but no matter what we do as we grow we are still stuck to one another. I should probably owl the boys. If lunch with Pansy does this to me then cuddles with Blaise will work wonders. I'm glad I bought his birthday gift before heading to Pansy's. We never made the shops, we spent too much time lounging and remembering.

I met someone.

Well, that makes it sound like I am going to throw Theo over for someone and that is certainly not the case. I don't go for blondes... especially blonde women. Though I'm sure she's a very attractive individual... if you can get over the woman part.

Anyway - I think I may have met a 'friend'. One who hasn't known me since I was a child. One without prior cause to be my friend for any other reason that that she wants to be. I think she wants to be.

It was all comfortable and I may have let a few things slip when I shouldn't have. That right there tells me I should run far away from this friendship. Though... I DID have her backgrounds looked into (Note to self: Remember to keep things like that for when Theo isn't home. I'm quite sure it may have creeped him out a little bit last night). After reading about her past, I think I can guess where her leanings lie and I think she made be safe. It was horrible. No one should have to...

Things are changing. And as much as I am afraid of these changes, it seems I won't be able to stop them. I'm not blind enough not to know that most of the crowd I associate with put up with me because I'm their 'little sister'. Little Tracey who must be taken care of and who can be tolerated for shorter and shorter periods of time and bought off with jewellery (but it was so so pretty - but that's not the point).

I can't stop Blaise from consorting with his Mudbl- with his perfectly nice blonde girlfriend who he never would have looked at twice before when we were young. I can't keep Greg from becoming self-destructive or evasive. He's never going to tell me the truth about anything... oh no... it might hurt his precious Maeve. I'd really like to meet this perfect woman he seems to think I am. But yeah - whatever! I'm becoming less and less important in their lives. It isn't fair to think that I have to sit at home moaning over the loss of my family.

Who decided that friends have to be our family anyway? You love your family even when you may not like them. I'd actually like a friend who likes me. The real me.

I'm going to owl her.